Thinking of taking your romance to the next level this Valentine’s Day? It may be wise to consider one aspect of your partner that can make or break a couple: the person’s money habits.
Here are five financial flags to watch out for when having a partner.
Unwillingness to discuss money
The common assumption is that talking about money isn’t romantic, according to Dasha Cherniakovsky, a couples therapist in Massachusetts who specializes in money matters.
“The inability or unwillingness to talk about money in general for various reasons should be a red flag,” she said. “The limiting belief is that it’s not elegant, it’s shameful, and it keeps people from talking about finances and spending.”
One way to broach the subject is to start by trying to understand your partner’s relationship with money, which is often heavily influenced by their childhood experiences.
It may not be as appropriate or important to talk about money in the early stages of dating, compared to when you’re thinking about a future together. But when the time is right, Chernyakovskaya recommends planning a “money date.”
“I suggest couples plan a date over a glass of wine or a hot chocolate, so it’s something they really look forward to, in a nice environment,” she said. “Talk about money in a more neutral, nonjudgmental way by asking about values rather than numbers.”
runaway debt
Uncontrolled credit card debt, fueled by impulsive spending, is another financial warning sign in a partner, according to relationship and personal finance experts. After all, being in a serious relationship with someone who has a lot of credit cards or other debts It can also have financial implications for you.
said money coach Nicole Victoria, founder and CEO of No Budget Babe, a financial literacy company. “Paying them will affect your ability as a couple to work together towards other financial goals.”
Of course, context matters, and it’s important to understand how someone accumulated debt in the first place. If your partner is impulsive and has a habit of excessive spending, for example, that’s different from someone who took out the debt to deal with a medical emergency. And if the individual is willing to discuss their debts and is actively working to remedy them, that is a good sign.
“However, if you help them pay it off and have to leave saving for other goals, that becomes your goal too, so it’s good to know those things,” Victoria said.
In terms of attractive traits, having little or no debt ranks as the most positive quality in a partner, according to another reconnaissance From the Eharmony dating site and personal budget software You Need a Budget (YNAB).
flaunt their wealth
If someone is flashy with their money, this could stem from insecurities. They may also spend more than they can afford.
“Extravagant spending is a big red flag when it’s obvious they’re spending more than their income allows,” said Sarah Schwestal, personal finance professional at YNAB.
“If your partner always buys the next round of drinks at the pub, as you do your own reason. Pay attention to your partner’s motives behind his money behaviors – be careful if his desire for influence may overshadow his financial reality,” said Emily Irwin, Wealth Managing Executive at Wells Fargo.
extreme austerity
On the flip side, not offering to pay for dates or borrowing money frequently can indicate a lack of resources or simple selfishness. While living within one’s means is usually considered commendable, behaviors such as serving people harshly for tips or only agreeing to takeout are a different story.
“I’m a big proponent of everyone having a budget, but you want to think about how your partner treats you, your friends, and others with whom you may not have deep relationships,” Irwin said. “That includes service workers like wait staff and Lyft drivers, and you want to make sure you’re not with someone who’s trying to save you a penny at the expense of treating someone else with disrespect.”
Austerity doesn’t necessarily mean someone has limited financial resources either. People with huge financial resources can also be stingy.
“Just because someone has a lot of income doesn’t mean they can support their spending, and it doesn’t necessarily mean that there isn’t some kind of unattractive economy going on,” Irwin said.
Financial betrayal
Transparency is key when discussing financial matters, and that can go a long way toward ensuring a couple’s financial compatibility.
Consider a partner who hides debt or is not honest about the amount of their assets. If a couple is saving for something like a down payment on a house together, one partner’s evasiveness can get in the way of decision-making between the spouses and hurt the other partner financially. These habits amount to what money experts call “financial infidelity.”
“Things like being overly secretive about your finances, lying about spending, and refusing to share financial information with you are red flags,” Victoria said.
Financial abuse can also happen in relationships. Some people use money to manipulate or exercise power over their partners, especially if one spouse has far more resources than the other.
“A lot of the time it’s about being in control,” she said. “It could be one partner not allowing the other to spend any money or have autonomy over what happens financially in the relationship.” The other partner may not have access to the couple’s bank accounts or may need to request permission to make certain types of purchases.
Victoria added, “I see women who have to ask for money, or get a benefit. It’s offensive and it’s a tactic used to control them.”
Unhealthy dynamics can also emerge when there is a major discrepancy in how much each partner earns.
“When the power to make decisions is based on everyone’s contributions to finances, it leaves the person who earns the least money in a permanent state of disempowerment,” Cherniakovsky said. “They have to submit to the preferences of the person who makes more.”
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