After the pandemic delayed it by a year, the recently opened exhibition Milk of Dreams at the 59th Venice Biennale has received acclaim for its surreal, modest performance in our troubled times. You probably already know this because friends, colleagues, and the faces in your streams flock to Italy to record their feats of the ancient world in style. When you sit at home worrying about Ukraine and monkeypox, you freak out about all the gondola rides, lavish dinners, and virtuous art suites you haven’t tried yet. After daydreaming about narrow Italian canals and extra virgin olive oil, you’re almost ready to buy a plane ticket. But first, take this test to determine if you should head to Venice for a dairy-packed treat every two years.
1. Your ideal biennial artistic companion would be:
a) Groppi gondola with pencil mustache and striped boat neck shirt
b) A pickpocket chews a toothpick with a sparkle in his eye
c) Newly acquitted Mario Batali in Crocs with Gwyneth Paltrow in tow
2. The most must-see national pavilions on the itinerary are:
a) Ukraine
b) Italy
c) Legoland
3. In order to be able to attend a high-profile exhibition, it must include at least the following number of female artists in its mix:
a) 10%
b) 50%
c) 90%
4. Longing to cancel someone or something in a biennale that hasn’t generated much controversy yet, you look for it elsewhere with denunciations:
a) Yachts owned by an oligarch displayed during international sanctions
b) Pay for water in restaurants
c) The spread of sacred and unholy genitals in Renaissance painting and sculpture
5. You find Surrealism, as a relevant contemporary art strategy in 2022, as powerful as:
a) A collective bourgeois spectacle to distract attention from the double pandemics, the climate catastrophe and the Third World War
b) The Local Whitney Biennale does exactly the same
c) Gluten-free pasta with pesto without nuts
6. While everyone at dinner is talking about a supposedly cool exhibit that you didn’t like at all, you can try to change the conversation by asking:
a) “Can you believe what they charge for a copy of art in america These days? Sheesh. “
b) “Oh my God, have you tried holding a garlic sparrow at the train station?”
c) “What do you think I should look at Vespa?”
7. While at Simone Leigh’s US booth and seeing a show maker who once asked you to visit the studio but never followed through on you, you need to do the following:
a) Open a box of Piero Manzoni mirda dartista on them
b) screamOgatz! While using the Italian hand gestures you learned from your nonna
c) Have your friends from Cosa Nostra deliver the horse’s head to their hotel room
8. While listening to a conversation about Anselm Kiefer over breakfast, you jump in by saying:
a) “The gelato suite was much better than I expected.”
b) “I was at an Anselm showroom and wanted to tell you about the 50 percent summer sale.”
c) [In a deep Italian accent] “Venice would be great without all the tourists.”
9. Which of the following are you sure is not an Italian cocktail?
a) Bernini
b) Benin
c) Bellini
10. If you had to boil down your desire to see the Biennale to one emoji, you would have to choose:
grades:
10-16: “Mangia! manga! manga! This hymn is in a scene in Pasolini Salo, or 120 days of Sodom It’s what you visualize while also predicting long airport lines and sweaty crowds. You just have to stay home, microwave Alfredo Stouffer’s fettuccine, drink a pile of ketamine, and browse jpegs online to get the same exciting experience.
17-23: While getting to Venice costs thousands and takes an entire day, Domino’s can deliver pizza in about half an hour for less than $10. Can you really afford to take a trip away from home? Assess your cash flow and cholesterol levels before committing to an expensive adventure that could leave you frustrated.
24-30: Flying isn’t more fun today than it was before Covid, but you’re relaxed and ready to handle the hassles of travel. It’s finally time to get off the couch and experience the world of art in full bloom. After devouring plates of scungilli in Venice, pop out to Art Basel for a Landjäger link, then check out the pretzel at Documenta for a summer trifecta.
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