Highlights
- F-Zero 99 is a great addition to Nintendo’s “99” games, with enhanced retro graphics and a revived series.
- The intense competition in F-Zero 99 can be stressful and even rage-inducing for players.
- The addition of many anonymous players has raised the stakes and made the game much more challenging compared to the original F-Zero.
Not to brag, but I was the king back in 1991. Not of any minuscule village or province, but of an Earth that wealthy space merchants bent to their will in the year of our Lord 2560. That’s right, F-Zero was my stomping ground and boy did I do some stomping in my little blue hovercraft. I was in it to win it, not just simply survive. And I did it flawlessly race after race, until recently, that is.
Like Tetris 99 and Pac-man 99, F-Zero 99 is an objectively excellent addition to the other throwback “99” games that Nintendo has released with a Nintendo Online subscription. 99 not only enhances the retro graphics of the original F-Zero, but breathes new life into a series that supposedly died out almost 20 years ago. That being said, I’m furious. Not at the game, but mostly at my atrophied skills, which have lain dormant for the past 30 years, and at my fellow 99 racers—all anonymous, mind you.
Pilots from all over the world pour into the race like commuters packing into a subway at rush hour.
You know, breakneck competition isn’t everyone’s strong suit. All that pressure can really do a number on you, and you know what doctors say about stress, right? It’s a killer, literally. When I was a kid, rage-quitting was a thing, but it wasn’t in the public vernacular at the time. You would just become so infuriated with your current progress that you were forced to abandon it for your blood pressure’s sake. This happened to me on numerous occasions with Super Empire Strikes Back for the SNES (eat shit, Dagobah boss), but never with the OG F-Zero.
As a kid, the SNES controller was an extension of my own hand, my fingers effortlessly finding the right combination of buttons to mash at just the right time. F-Zero’s controls were easy to grasp and even easier to master: steer with the pad, accelerate with B and super jet with A.
It also helped that the game had the lowest stakes possible against only a handful of CPU opponents. OK, so you blew up in a plume of smoke, but not if you boosted at all the right places, drifted around some particularly tricky hairpin turns whereby you earned the cup without too much sweat. Now, with the addition of scads of randos, my little-world world and self-image as a competent F-Zero player has come undone.
Don’t make me go back down, Nintendo! Just a few more seconds on this heavenly road!
Nintendo thoughtfully, almost condescendingly forces you to participate in three rounds of Practice Mode before the Racing Gods deem you fit for the real game, but to be honest, I loved Practice Mode. It was so quiet and peaceful, almost like I was playing the original F-Zero. But, dammit, I was too cocky for practice and, like Icarus, found out pretty fast that my hovercraft’s internal engine was made of wax.
Have a look-see below at what I considered one of my finer races.
The gang’s all here with Blue Falcon, Golden Fox and Wild Goose, but with 99 players cramped inside a tight track, speed is only one element of the game. Indeed, all my former techniques of simply “going fast” went out the window as I struggled just to make it into the safe zone of 90 surviving racers without blowing up, which was damn near impossible.
I felt like a worker bee being kicked around a hive at rush hour, or a Walmart shopper on Black Friday. That Safe Zone gets smaller and smaller with each lap, forcing me to either shove my way forward with a boost, or elbow my opponents into the rails. How did F-Zero get so stressful!Thankfully, Nintendo must’ve understood that old racing hands like mine couldn’t possibly survive a Battle Royale without a little help, and added the beautiful, life-saving feature of a super track high above the madness. With enough yellow orbs, you fill a new power meter that suddenly transports you to a transparent road far from the danger below.
In those times, I’m free for a few seconds from all the cut-throat cars hoping to smash me into the HP-sucking borders of the track and am able to actually enjoy myself. Sadly, this ephemeral moment lasts for about 10 seconds.
As if the humiliation of death wasn’t enough, the game also lets you know that you totally dropped the ball in beating your assigned competition.
In all honesty, there are some good points about playing with this many strangers. For one, it takes no time to hop into a race as the 99-car roster fills up quickly. Once we’re all together, the game even lets us vote on which track we’re destined to kill ourselves in. More often than not, my vote for Mute City was drowned out in the foolishly on-the-nose decision to die in Death Wind.
It’s truly heartwarming that F-Zero is back in the mainstream, regardless of my aversion to crowds. I’ve just got to learn to adapt with the times and accept the fact that playing against hordes of humans in different area codes is the new normal.
Besides, Practice Mode is always there for me, just in case I need a break from the noise.
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